Grief (Grieving) – is a pattern of physiological responses to loss through death, divorce, separation, aging, moving, loss of dignity, loss of a job, loss of a pet.

Loss equals change. The first time we experience loss and change in life is when we change from infant to toddler. Although this change is automatic, it develops our ability to accept change throughout our life. This is a necessary part of our human development.

Grief is normal. There is no right, wrong, good or bad way to grieve. Because behavior cannot be learned to prevent grief, coping skills need to be learned. These coping skills will allow us to keep ourselves healthy and accepting of change in our life’s journey. It is not what happens on our journey that matters, it is how we cope with what happens throughout our life’s journey.

Coping with loss and knowing what to change to is a trial and error method. This coping time needs to be non-judgmental and safe. Always monitor sleeping and eating because changes that are difficult to accept will show in our behavior, eating and sleeping. It will create feelings of guilt, denial, anger and depression. These are normal responses to loss, because the grief process affects our entire being. It most noticeably affects and changes our chemistry. In general, this process affects the endocrine system – the glands of our body. Our glands produce hormones that keep our chemistry balanced. Grieving diminishes the production of hormones. For example – do not consume fruit juices or high carbohydrate intake for 6 to 8 weeks after loss occurs. The pancreas is a major gland that produces insulin, therefore, this hormone may not be produced normally during grief. The pancreas cannot react to intense sugar intake. You may notice fainting, dizziness or floaty feelings. This is very important for Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetics. It is also important to eat small portions of food or snacks throughout the day. Your body needs repair from the stress or trauma of the loss. Most important, contact your doctor if you have these symptoms. Also, if you are on medication, the medication may need to be adjusted because your chemistry is different from when your prescription was issued.

Symptoms of Grief

1. Loss of memory – more than normal and at any age.
2. Difficulty following a thought processes.
3. Five senses are diminished – sight, sound, taste, touch and smell.
4. Depressed immune system - more susceptible to disease.
5. Feelings of being overwhelmed.

What to Do – Healthy Coping Skills

1. 1)Loss of memory – put note pads everywhere. Instantly write down your thoughts. This relieves the stress of forgetting. Don’t forget the pens.
2. 2)Difficulty following a thought process –Again, note pads and pens.
3. 3)Five senses diminished – these senses are how things get into us. To help bring them back to health, take time for yourself and get in touch with how you are feeling. Eat, take walks, write or discuss your thoughts and feelings, be patient with this part of change.
4. 4)Depressed immune system – to bring your immune system back to health you need to identify the causative factors of the stress or trauma. The more you know and understand what happened and what is happening to you, the stress or trauma begins to subside.
5. 5)Feelings of being overwhelmed – Feeling like there is too much to do or needing to get everything done now! Realize that you have time. Separate each task from the other. One thing at a time. It is about slowing down. Allow yourself time to change. Doing less is healthier when coping with stress or trauma.

Remember, always call your doctor or 911 if you need medical help.

Call Joe or Pam at Colma Cremation & Funeral Services if you need help with your grief.
As Nationally Certified Bereavement Facilitators and Licensed Funeral Directors, we are available to help you at anytime to maintain Healthy Grief. Our expertise and years of experience are used to provide care for these who die and those who survive.

Summary

Grief is normal. There is not a way to prevent grief. Grieving is a healthy way to adjust to non-elective change. Expressing thoughts and feelings verbally or by writing them down helps to clarify your grief and the grief work that you need to do. A non-judgmental environment provides a safe place to begin to trust your thoughts and feelings. You do not change your thoughts and feelings to conform to someone else’s. Your grief is yours. Grief is a part of our human development. Grieving has no time limit. When a loss occurs, Healthy Grieving includes learning how to bond and not separate in our relationships.

Our support is always here for you. Nothing can happen in grief where we would not know how to help you to maintain Healthy Grief. Colma Cremation & Funeral Services is a grief based practice.

HOW HEALHY GRIEF SUPPORT CAN HELP YOU WHEN MAKING
FUNERAL AND CREMATION CHOICES

This Support Provides You With:

• an understanding of how physiological grief works and how it is affecting you.
• validation of your thoughts and feelings.
• coping skills to become less overwhelmed.
• knowledge of healthy coping skills designed for you.
• a realization of the necessity of caring for yourself as well as your loved one at the time of your arrangement conference.
• time to better understand choices and cost of services and how to participate your way before you make final decisions.

Parents often wonder if they should include their children in discussions of loss, worrying that they may be too young to fully understand the experience or too sensitive to cope. Yet because death is a part of life, and grief is part of the human experience, excluding your child can make them feel as if their emotions are less valid than your own. Talking to your kids is an important part of healing.

Preparing your child for a funeral is essential for creating a positive experience. Let your child know what to expect, and talk about what will happen. Remind them that it is OK to cry, to remember, to tell stories, and to laugh. If the child does not want to attend, try to find out why, but give them the option to stay home, and arrange to have a close family member care for them.

The way you prepare your child may depend on what type of service you’re planning. If the child is going to see an open casket, try to explain what they might see, and what the room might look like. If you will be attending a burial, explain the burial process. If you’re going to a church service, explain that you will be going to church, then to a cemetery. And if you’ve chosen cremation, try to spend some time with the body before cremation. Talk to your child about cremation. You might want to emphasize that cremation doesn’t hurt the body because it can no longer feel pain.

If problems arise when talking to a child, be patient, and listen. Answer as many questions as you can, while remaining aware that sometimes the answer is “I don’t know.” In talking to your child, be aware of what others may say, as conflicting information could cause confusion. Grief affects children differently than adults, and they may become afraid of separation or appear to act “younger” than their age. You may want to guide the child toward appropriate behavior, and make suggestions about how to effectively communicate grief. In addition, students may have difficulty learning because remembering and following thought processes becomes more difficult. If you need help, please ask Joe or Pam. We provide support for children in the school setting. We work with teachers to help them understand how learning & grief work.

By and large, however, we believe that open communication, patience, and understanding, will foster a positive experience. Participation is key. Help your child write a letter or draw a picture to put in the casket or help them choose flowers to bring to the service. Including children helps them to accept the reality of death and start the process of letting go. And finally, remind your child that some people think about death as a birth, the new birth of the spirit. Like a caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly, your loved one’s spirit has moved on to a new and different life.

Anyone who considers a pet a beloved friend, companion, or family member knows the intense pain that accompanies the loss of that friend. Following are some tips on coping with that grief, and with the difficult decisions one faces upon the loss of a pet.

Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s silly, crazy, or overly sentimental to grieve!

During the years you spent with your pet (even if they were few), it became a significant and constant part of your life. It was a source of comfort and companionship, of unconditional love and acceptance, of fun and joy. So don’t be surprised if you feel devastated by the loss of such a relationship.

People who don’t understand the pet/owner bond may not understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how you feel. Don’t let others dictate your feelings: They are valid, and may be extremely painful. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.

Different people experience grief in different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience the following emotions:

• Guilt may occur if you feel responsible for your pet’s death-the “if only I had been more careful” syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness that claimed your pet’s life, and only makes it more difficult to resolve your grief.
• Denial makes it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone. It’s hard to imagine that your pet won’t greet you when you come home, or that it doesn’t need its evening meal. Some pet owners carry this to extremes, and fear their pet is still alive and suffering somewhere. Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of being “disloyal” to the old.
• Anger may be directed at the illness that killed your pet, the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who “failed” to save its life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief.
• Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but can leave you powerless to cope with your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation and energy, causing you to dwell upon your sorrow.

The most important step you can take is to be honest about your feelings. Don’t deny your pain, or your feelings of anger and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms with your feelings can you begin to work through them.

You have a right to feel pain and grief! Someone you loved has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You have a right to feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge your feelings first, then ask yourself whether the circumstances actually justify them.

Locking away grief doesn’t make it go away. Express it. Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps you the most. Don’t try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times. This will help you understand what your pet’s loss actually means to you.

Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other strategies including rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with your pet; preparing a memorial such as a photo collage; and talking to others about your loss.

If your family or friends love pets, they’ll understand what you’re going through. Don’t hide your feelings in a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! Working through your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them in perspective and find ways to handle them. Find someone you can talk to about how much the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.

If you don’t have family or friends who understand, or if you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group. Check with your church or hospital for grief counseling. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.

Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet’s physical condition; however, you are the best judge of the quality of your pet’s daily life. If a pet has a good appetite, responds to attention, seeks its owner’s company, and participates in play or family life, many owners feel that this is not the time. However, if a pet is in constant pain, undergoing difficult and stressful treatments that aren’t helping greatly, unresponsive to affection, unaware of its surroundings, and uninterested in life, a caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion’s suffering.

Evaluate your pet’s health honestly and unselfishly with your veterinarian. Prolonging a pet’s suffering in order to prevent your own ultimately helps neither of you. Nothing can make this decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final act of love that you can make for your pet.

Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort themselves by staying: They were able to see that their pet passed peacefully and without pain, and that it was truly gone. For many, not witnessing the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult to accept that the pet is really gone. However, this can be traumatic, and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to handle it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears-though natural-are likely to upset your pet.

Some clinics are more open than others to allowing the owner to stay during euthanasia. Some veterinarians are also willing to euthanize a pet at home. Others have come to an owner’s car to administer the injection. Again, consider what will be least traumatic for you and your pet, and discuss your desires and concerns with your veterinarian. If your clinic is not able to accommodate your wishes, request a referral.

When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains. Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with your clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such disposal. Some shelters also accept such remains, though many charge a fee for disposal.

If you prefer a more formal option, several are available. Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient property for it. It is economical and enables you to design your own funeral ceremony at little cost. However, city regulations usually prohibit pet burials, and this is not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently.

To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity, security, and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene surroundings and care of the gravesite. Cemetery costs vary depending on the services you select, as well as upon the type of pet you have. Cremation is a less expensive option that allows you to handle your pet’s remains in a variety of ways: bury them (even in the city), scatter them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium, or even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide variety are available).

Check with your veterinarian, pet shop, or phone directory for options available in your area. Consider your living situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when making your decision. It’s also wise to make such plans in advance, rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief.

You are the best judge of how much information your children can handle about death and the loss of their pet. Don’t underestimate them, however. You may find that, by being honest with them about your pet’s loss, you may be able to address some fears and misperceptions they have about death.

Honesty is important. If you say the pet was “put to sleep,” make sure your children understand the difference between death and ordinary sleep. Never say the pet “went away,” or your child may wonder what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in anguish for its return. That also makes it harder for a child to accept a new pet. Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but that it is happy and free of pain.

Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve. Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to “be strong” or not to feel sad. Be honest about your own sorrow; don’t try to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief as well. Discuss the issue with the entire family, and give everyone a chance to work through their grief at their own pace.

Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound to notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form strong attachments to one another, and the survivor of such a pair may seem to grieve for its companion. Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats.

You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra attention and love to help them through this period. Remember that, if you are going to introduce a new pet, your surviving pets may not accept the newcomer right away, but new bonds will grow in time. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully healing for your own grief.

Generally, the answer is no. One needs time to work through grief and loss before attempting to build a relationship with a new pet. If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent a new pet for trying to “take the place” of the old-for what you really want is your old pet back. Children in particular may feel that loving a new pet is “disloyal” to the previous pet.

When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a “lookalike” pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don’t expect your new pet to be “just like” the one you lost, but allow it to develop its own personality. Never give a new pet the same name or nickname as the old. Avoid the temptation to compare the new pet to the old one: It can be hard to remember that your beloved companion also caused a few problems when it was young!

A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move forward and build a new relationship-rather than looking backward and mourning your loss. When you are ready, select an animal with whom you can build another long, loving relationship-because this is what having a pet is all about!

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If the Holiday Season is difficult emotionally because of a recent loss, here are a few helpful hints for caring for yourself:

*Try not to do everything.
*Spend time with those you love.
*Allow yourself private time.
*Permit yourself to change your mind - often.
*Communicate your thoughts and feelings.
*Get Plenty of rest.
*Drink lots of water.
*Before you can care for another, you cannot overdo caring for yourself.